A custody battle is along and difficult road to walk. It is costly in terms of time, mental and emotional stress, and money. A custody case may take over a year just to evaluate and may cost each parent $25,000 or more.
If you are thinking of pursuing custody of your child or children, you should ask yourself some important question. What is your real motive for pursuing custody? Is it because you are angry and hurt and want revenge? Is paying less or no child support your real motive? So you just want to move on with your life and don’t want the other parent to be a part of it? Do you want to replace the other parent with another person? Is there a compelling reason to pursue custody in court? Does the other parent have a substance abuse problem, or a severe mental health problem that impedes good parenting? Has there been a history of domestic violence that had an impact on the child? Has the other parent abused the child?
Ask yourself if you have considered how this conflict will affect your child? Will it tear your child apart? Will it alienate your child from other other parent? Will it trigger feelings of abandonment?
Even if you feel that you have exhausted every option to settle your custody dispute, you still need to ask a few more questions. How do the othere parent’s preferences for residential care affect your child? Will your child be near his/her regular school, friends, and after school activities? Is your child telling you one thing and then telling the other parent something else? How would you feel about asking family and friends to take sides in this conflict? How much are you willing to compromise? Realistically, how much will this cost you? A year from now will this really matter?
There are many valid reasons not to pursue a custody dispute. If there is no harmful threat to your child by the other parent, then pursuing custody without a good reason could be harmful to you and your child. It could alienate the other parent, or it could fuel more hostility toward you.
There are some things that you must never do if you are pursing custody or fighting to retain custody. Never falsely accuse the other parent of sexual abuse. The court has no tolerance for false allegations of sexual abuse. This can lead to our losing custody of your child. Never make allegations of a substance abuse problem unless it is a current or recent problem. If the other parent got drunk at a college party of smoked marijuana ten years ago, the court won’t consider that a substance abuse problem. Never coach your child on what to tell the parenting investigator. Never promise your children material rewards such as a trip to Disneyland or a puppy for saying what you want your child to say. The truth has a way of coming out.
Never allow your children to read court documents to show them how dishonest, selfish or self-serving the other parent really is. Be careful to keep your child from hearing phone conversations pertaining to the custody dispute. Remember that parenting investigators are not impressed with a copy of your diary showing what a victim you are and how awful the other parent really is.
Even if you feel justified in pursing custody, your court outcome may not be satisfactory. You must have concrete proof to support your allegations. Your end result could be loss of custody and/or loss of or reduced visitation. If you are getting divorced, a custody case will lengthen the time for closure of your divorce.
The monetary cost will be very high for each parent. I have seen cases that cost as much as $200,000. Can you afford to spend years paying legal bills? Think about what the thousands of dollars not spent could buy for you and your child.
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