PROVIDING QUALITY RESIDENTIAL TIME FOR YOUR CHILD

The actual time at each residence is much less important that the quality of time with each parent. Decades of research on divorce support this claim. So go for the quality not the quantity.

What makes a successful residential time arrangement?

It depends on your family dynamics and how each of you interacts with each other and with your child. Another big consideration is the needs and desires of your child. Remember, one residential plan may work well for on family, but not suit your family at all. To make whatever time you have eth most valuable to you and your child, consider the following:
• Make a special place in your home for your child. If you don’t have a spare bedroom, make a special place for your child’s bed and belongings. Provide a place in the closet for her clothes and a drawer or toy box for toys. Providing a special place helps your child conceive of your home as her home too.
• Decide about household rules such as bedtime, chores and behavior. Even if these rules are different in both homes, it is still important to have them.
• Have some special things for your child to do at your home. Buys some toys, art supplies and games that you can do together. Garage sales and second hand stores are places where you can often find inexpensive equipment. If you purchase a special toy, a DVD or a piece of sports equipment that your child has been wanting, don’t insist that it is kept at your house. This could cause resentment.
• Have extra clothes. Some parents prefer to keep clothes at their house so clothing does not have to be taken back and forth.
• Try not to be a Disneyland mom or dad. Have some down time with your child. Help with homework or assign chores. Just hang out together and invite your Childs friends over.
• Don’t interfere with your Childs regular scheduled activities.
• If you are panning an activity that will require special clothing or equipment such as camping, let the other parent know ahead of time so that the proper things can be sent with the child.
• If there is more than one child, plan for alone time with each child. Your child will look forward to this special time with you.
• Make your time with your child a priority. Don’t cancel or be late unless it is absolutely unavoidable.
• Do not send messages to the other parent of child support checks with your child.
• Don’t believe everything you hare from your child. Check it out with the other parent.
• Do not speak ill of the other parent or relatives and friends.
• Do not second guess the other parent regarding discipline, rewards or anything else. If you have concerns, discuss them with the other parent before siding with your child.
• Send and return a clean, well rested and fed child.
• Be courteous. Do not honk your horn for your child to come out of the house. Walk to the other parent’s door, but do not go inside unless invited. Have your child ready to go and smile.
• Do not call your child three and four times a day when she is with the other parent. This makes it hard on the child.
• Don’t ask your child to be a spy. Do not interrogate your child upon return to your care.
• If your child or the other parent is sick or there is an emergency, be flexible and accommodating.

REMEMBER, COOPERATIVE PARENTING MAKES FOR A HAPPY CHILD. IN THE LONG RUN, IT WILL MAKE CO-PARENTING EASIER ON BOTH PARENTS AND THE CHILD.

PREDICTORS OF CHILD ADJUSTMENT AFTER A DIVORCE

PREDICTORS OF CHILD ADJUSTMENT AFTER A DIVORCE
Research has shown that the following variables are associated with the psychological well being of a child, following the divorce of the parents. They are ranked in order, to reflect the strength of their association with the long term outcome of the child.
1. The level of conflict between the parents
2. The quality of parenting the child receives in the two households.
3. The emotional/psychological adjustment of the child before the separation.
4. The quality of support systems available to the two parents.
5. The overall consistency and predictability of the child’s environment.
6. The residential placement schedule.

What is Parent Alienation Syndrome?

It is normal for a child at different times of life to show a preference for one of his/her parents. But when divorcing parents engage in too much conflict, children often feel they must take a side. Then the slight preference can become a blinding, obsessive, relentless alignment with one parent. Often this is quite gratifying to the parent, and if they are not aware they will encourage this type of behavior. Due to the level of conflict and the power of which parent the child aligns with, parents can give the child subtle and even unconscious messages to reject the alienated parent. The child comes to view the "bad" parent very critically, and many children will say that they "hate" that parent. They are very confused and have received subtle signals that this is a correct way to feel. The relationship between the alienated parent and the child can be damaged forever. It is important to note that the relationship between the child and the alienating parent is damaged as well. It may appear differently on the surface but the long-term effects are very profound. The development of parent alienation is probably the most damaging aspect of divorce for children, and it's effects can be life-long

WHAT TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING A JOINT RESIDENTIAL SCHEDULE

If you are considering a joint schedule with the children going back and forth between your homes, here are several very important considerations.
1. Do you have good communication with your child’s other parent?
2. Do you live in a close proximity to each other so your child can have the same friends and participate in the same activities form each home?
3. Are you willing to put your child’s needs ahead of your own?
4. Are you willing to negotiate?
5. Are you willing to be flexible and change the residential schedule as the needs arises?
6. Can you empathize with the needs of the children and the other parent?
7. Do you respect your child’s relationship with the other parent?

HINTS FOR COMMUNICATING IN HIGH STRESS PARENTING MEETINGS

HINTS FOR COMMUNICATING IN HIGH STRESS PARENTING MEETINGS

1. Before the meeting begins visualize what you want to accomplish
2. Always but the child’s best interest first
3. Stay focused on that goal
4. Respectfully listen to the other party
5. Refrain from criticizing
6. When reaching an impasse, agree to disagree and move on
7. Stay focused on the present and the future, don’t bring up old issues
8. View frailties with compassion
9. Be willing to compromise
10. Express appreciation for useful ideas
11. If the other party appears to be baiting you, don’t go for the bait
12. Be solution oriented
13. Keep it businesslike
14. Consider why the other party is behaving the way they are and take that into consideration when you respond
15. If things get out of hand leave the room until you and the other party calm down
16. Endeavor to bring compassion into the relationship
17. Pick your battles and prioritize
18. If you are having trouble getting an opportunity to express your opinions, express your appreciation for the other parties views and add that you would like an opportunity to express your views
19. Remember that high conflict between parents has long term negative effects on your child
20. Remember children have rights and parents have an obligation to protect and preserve those rights
21. You will earn your child’s respect if you successfully communicate and resolve differences
22. For a decision to work, it must be a decision your child can accept. Your child also has to live with the consequences of your resolution to difficult issues

Why are you considering a court battle to gain custody of your child?

A custody battle is along and difficult road to walk. It is costly in terms of time, mental and emotional stress, and money. A custody case may take over a year just to evaluate and may cost each parent $25,000 or more.

If you are thinking of pursuing custody of your child or children, you should ask yourself some important question. What is your real motive for pursuing custody? Is it because you are angry and hurt and want revenge? Is paying less or no child support your real motive? So you just want to move on with your life and don’t want the other parent to be a part of it? Do you want to replace the other parent with another person? Is there a compelling reason to pursue custody in court? Does the other parent have a substance abuse problem, or a severe mental health problem that impedes good parenting? Has there been a history of domestic violence that had an impact on the child? Has the other parent abused the child?

Ask yourself if you have considered how this conflict will affect your child? Will it tear your child apart? Will it alienate your child from other other parent? Will it trigger feelings of abandonment?

Even if you feel that you have exhausted every option to settle your custody dispute, you still need to ask a few more questions. How do the othere parent’s preferences for residential care affect your child? Will your child be near his/her regular school, friends, and after school activities? Is your child telling you one thing and then telling the other parent something else? How would you feel about asking family and friends to take sides in this conflict? How much are you willing to compromise? Realistically, how much will this cost you? A year from now will this really matter?

There are many valid reasons not to pursue a custody dispute. If there is no harmful threat to your child by the other parent, then pursuing custody without a good reason could be harmful to you and your child. It could alienate the other parent, or it could fuel more hostility toward you.

There are some things that you must never do if you are pursing custody or fighting to retain custody. Never falsely accuse the other parent of sexual abuse. The court has no tolerance for false allegations of sexual abuse. This can lead to our losing custody of your child. Never make allegations of a substance abuse problem unless it is a current or recent problem. If the other parent got drunk at a college party of smoked marijuana ten years ago, the court won’t consider that a substance abuse problem. Never coach your child on what to tell the parenting investigator. Never promise your children material rewards such as a trip to Disneyland or a puppy for saying what you want your child to say. The truth has a way of coming out.

Never allow your children to read court documents to show them how dishonest, selfish or self-serving the other parent really is. Be careful to keep your child from hearing phone conversations pertaining to the custody dispute. Remember that parenting investigators are not impressed with a copy of your diary showing what a victim you are and how awful the other parent really is.

Even if you feel justified in pursing custody, your court outcome may not be satisfactory. You must have concrete proof to support your allegations. Your end result could be loss of custody and/or loss of or reduced visitation. If you are getting divorced, a custody case will lengthen the time for closure of your divorce.

The monetary cost will be very high for each parent. I have seen cases that cost as much as $200,000. Can you afford to spend years paying legal bills? Think about what the thousands of dollars not spent could buy for you and your child.